Changes Part II: Spreading The Disease

pokemon-fanfic
Changes Part II: Spreading The Disease
0

#1

Continuing.
Chapter One: A New Life Is Born
It was an average Monday in the town of Eastridge, New York, close to 6:00 AM. The sun rising in the east, the birds chirping, and people getting ready to go out to school or work. And in one of those households lies me, Tom Franks.

You probably know who I am by now, but if not: I’m 15 years old. Me and my brothers Scott and Matt, plus friend Dan, are in the band Cygnus X-2, which specializes in Rush covers with other material as well.

Anywho, I was lying on my bed, curled up in a ball, with my tail wrapped around me for warmth.

Oh yeah, there’s one thing I forgot to mention. I’m a Pikachu.

You may ask, what? How can you be a Pikachu? They don’t exist, and they certainly couldn’t form bands and sing!

One week ago a virus was released in my towns water supply, which turned Pokemon from just a mere fiction into a reality, and humans were the ones who became them. And me and my two brothers were the victims. Scott became a Raichu, Matt became a Pichu, and I became a Pikachu. All my humanity disappeared, with the only exceptions being my voice, mind (Thank heavens for that), and hairstyle, though it was yellow and not brown. Yesterday, Sunday, was my first day of living like this, and it wasn’t easy. My tiny paws were too small to hit the keyboard keys, listening to music was tough with my super-sensitive ears (Though I could pick out a lot of details) and pretty much everything was made difficult with my small size. Despite this, I still would try to live my normal life, which would be pretty hard as a furry, chubby rodent, and unfortunately, that meant I had to go to school.

RING-RING! RING-RING!

The alarm clock woke me up with a start, and was especially loud on my new long (and cute!) ears. I tugged on them in pain, but got up.

With my new body, I tried doing my morning routine. But it was a lot harder than normal, and quite a bit different. I tried taking a shower, but I was too small to reach the handle to turn the water on. I struggled for probably around 5 minutes, but then decided to give up, water always made my fur smell bad anyway. So then, I tried to get clothes on, however, they were all too large for me, and I didn’t want to look like a weirdo, well, more than I already am. So I decided to go naked, the fur covered my… you know… anyway.

Then, I went downstairs, where my mom greeted me with a big hug.

“Good morning!” she said. “How are you?”

“Umm, okay, I guess. This is all so surreal! This still feels like a dream”.

“I know, it still does to me. But look on the bright side. It’s the first day of a new, and much cuter, you!” My red cheeks got a bit redder at that last part.

I hopped down off the couch, and tried to get my usual breakfast of Cheerios. But due to my small size I couldn’t get them, so I had to ask my dad. This was embarrasing since I was old enough to do these things by myself by now, and I didn’t like being treated younger than I really was. But this time there was no choice.

My human appetite remained, and I ate quickly, even faster thanks to my new, sharper teeth. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my brothers walking downstairs, or at least trying to, Matt ended up having to be carried in Scott’s arms, I could tell by his squirming he didn’t like it.

Finally, the final step of my morning routing was to brush my teeth. But even that was difficult. My small size made it difficult to handle the toothbrush, and since my teeth were a lot sharper some of the hairs got caught in my teeth and I had to pick them out, which was ALSO hard since my fingers were like nubs. By this point it was 7:05, and I couldn’t be late for school, so I quickly put on deodorant and went downstairs. I was way too small to carry my backpack, however the school had all the assignments on the computer so it was no big whoop. We then piled into the car, Dad driving since obviously Scott couldn’t drive in this condition, and drove off to school.

Dad dropped us off, wishing us good luck, and we set off, the much-bigger looking school doors beckoning.

It was going to be a long, strange day ahead…


#3

Chapter Two: A Day In The Life
his was it, my first day of school in my new life.

I walked silently into the building, careful not to cause much of a fuss, well, as little of a fuss as a real life Pokemon in New York could create. I walked towards my first class, Chemistry, surprised to see the hallways look almost dead.

When I entered the class, I was promptly greeted by silence and stunned stares.

However, someone broke that silence. “OH MY GOD!” One boy yelled out. “A REAL, IN THE FLESH, PIKACHU IS IN OUR CLASS!”

A group of a few boys and girls then picked me up. “Aww,” one girl said. “He’s so CUUUUTE!”. They started poking and prodding me, feeling my ears, tail, and furry back. “And you’re so soft!” the very loud boy stated. “THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!” he bellowed. Looking in the back of the room I saw more people who had transformed, one was a Fennekin, another an Eevee, a Charmeleon, and a Jangomo-o, who seemed kinda jealous at the attention I was recieving.

“Everyone, keep it down” my teacher stated. “I know that this situation is quite interesting and all, but we need to get on with this lesson, we have an important test on Molar Mass coming up and we need to prepare.” “Here’s a 100 question work packet, I expect it to be completed shortly.” Groans ensued. But before I got the packet the teacher walked up to me.

“Your parents told me about your situation, and the school has provided us with a smaller desk for people with your… condition”. “Hold on one moment”. He went outside briefly, before returning with a comically small desk which probably wouldn’t even fit a kindergarten student. “Here you go, I think this will suit you much better”

My ears drooped when I realized how ridiculous the desk would make me look but I got in it anyway. I managed to do the lesson relatively well, though I heard some snickering in the background.

After that, it was on to Health, same song, different verse. Goes into class, gets small desk, people think i’m cute and stuff, including the teacher who is a big Pokemon fan. However English was different, most people’s attention wasn’t focused on me, they seemed to be more focused on classmate Michael, who turned into a Togedemaru and was the center of attention for HIS cuteness. Then, it was off to lunch. I tried to find my friends Mark and Alex, I walked over to my regular table, and instead of them I saw a Glaceon and a Litten. Man, is EVERYONE ending up cute? I feel sorry if anyone turned into a Magmar or Bruxish or something…

I walked up to them, jumping on to the chair. We chatted about what we normally talk about, as well as how it was going. I was relieved to hear they were doing very well, in fact they thought being real life Pokemon was super-cool. I ate my lunch faster than normal due to my sharper teeth. Near the end of lunch I was called down to my guidance counselor, probably to check on how I was doing. I walked down to the guidance office, where my counselor greeted me with a smile.

“Good morning!” she said enthusiastically. “How do you feel?”

“Pretty good, but getting used to the size of everything is hard.” I responded.

“Yeah, it must be pretty hard due to your small size.” She replied.

“My teachers and classmates are all very understanding of the situation, i’ve even been getting extra attention from people due to my cuteness!”

“Well, that’s unsurprising.” “Do you have anything else to add?” the counselor questioned.

“Well, this whole thing still feels like a dream. I mean, i’m a Pikachu, something that shouldn’t even exist!” I stated.

“I understand how that feels. When I heard on the news of people turning into Pokemon, I was sure it was just a hoax!” She replied. “Anyway, not much else to state, just wanted to check on how you were doing. You can head off to your next class now.”

“Okay, goodbye!” and then I walked out.

The rest of the day had Italian class, which had a very embarrassing moment where I invoulentarily let out a “chaa!” squeak during the typical attention over my cuteness, Orchestra, where I was excused from playing the violin, which I normally do, since I was way too small, Music Theory, where we, in “celebration” of the recent events marathoned all the Pokemon Theme Songs and discussed the musical motifs and stuff, AP World History, where I noticed one student had turned into an Electrode (Man I wonder how THAT felt), and closed out the day with Algebra class, where the teacher had turned into a Grovyle, and was the center of attention because he looked cool. In every class at least a few people had transformed into Pokemon, this made me feel happy because we were all in this together.

I took the bus home, where my two Chu brothers were there, we chatted about our day and it seemed they were happy. As the bus pulled up I was feeling very satisfield over the day. Everyone was so supportive, understanding, and kind about the whole situation and it made me super-glad. However, when we got home, we got a big surprise!


#4

Chapter Three: Fame
In the driveway of my house were a number of trucks, and people crowding around my house.

I was very curious at first, why were all these people here? Then, I saw on one of the trucks the text “EASTRIDGE LOCAL NEWS 3”, and it hit me. These people were here to interview me! I immediately had a lot of questions, such as “Why are they here?” “How do they know where I live?” and “Is this actually a scam and they’re trying to kidnap me” since y’know how does the news media know where I live? Unless they have like a record of the addresses of everyone which is spooky. However I soon realized that last statement was too paranoid, and honestly kinda dumb, and shrugged it off.

“And it seems that the three have arrived!” the lead news anchor stated. I saw my Mom and Dad walking back inside the house, I assumed they had already been interviewed. "Here are Tom, Scott, and Matt Franks, three of the victims of what the media has dubbed “PokeItis”. “Now, Tom, how does it feel being a Pikachu?” she then passed the microphone to me.

“A mixed bag. On the minus side, It’s weird being so small, most normal tasks are extremely difficult for me. But on the plus side, everyone seems to be very understanding of the situation, and I also get a lot of attention, though that’s not surprising given that i’m a living, breathing Pikachu.”

“Thanks for the info.” “Now, Scott, how long have you been a… what’s that thing called again?” She asked. “It’s called a Raichu, Lindy” the co-anchor whispered, which I heard pretty clear with my new ears. I chuckled at this. “Oh yes. How long have you been a “Raichu”?”

“Today is my second day.” my Raichu brother responded. “Though it was a gradual process and started a few days back. The tail was the first change.”

“How are you handling the situation?” She asked.

“It was scary at first, but i’ve kept my head up. Doing lots of things now is pretty hard though, given that the transformation gave me no fingers.” He then showed off his fingerless paws. “My friends have been very helpful though, the school has let them write down my notes for me”.

“Also, a question for this very little guy down here, Matt. Many people in this town have turned into Pokemon as well, the estimates are possibly over 100. (For perspective Eastridge has a population of 2,000) What’s your advice for people in your predicament?”

She then passed the microphone to Matt, I tried to hold back laughter at the fact the microphone was almost as big as him.

“For all you people who have turned into Pokemon as well, or are in the midst of turning into Pokemon, understand that it’s not the end of the world, that you can still live your normal life no matter what. Also know that this may not be forever, and that there is always hope that you can be back to normal someday”. I was pretty surprised by his formal statement considering his young age.

“Thanks for the insight. Now, before we go I have one last question” the lead anchor’s cohort asked. “Do you know just how cute you are?” He stated, a cartoonisly large smile on his face. “I just want to pick you up and hug you and squeeze you and smoosh your cheeks and…” he was interrupted when someone else grabbed his arm and dragged him away.

“Sorry for that inconvenience, Steve freaks out whenever he sees something cute”.

“It’s okay, people do that all the time to me.” I responded.

“Anyway, thank you for your time, and have a great day.” She turned the mic away. “Now, coming up next. Jellyfish? In MY sink? It may be more likely than you think, just ask Nelson Neils.” I didn’t bother to hold back laughter at that.

We walked inside, where my parents greeted us with big hugs.

“It’s so good to have you home!” Mom stated. “How does it feel being interviewed? You’re famous!”

“Not sure if “famous” is the right word, given the fact it’s only for a tiny news station, but i’m happy about it!” Scott responded.

“So your first day back went well?” Dad asked.

“Yep! And I hope that things continue this way” I answered.

“Me too!” My mom responded.

After the initial excitement, the rest of the afternoon went somewhat normal. I did my homework, which took longer than usual due to my tiny fingers, chatted with friends online, listened to music, and did all the stuff I normally did, including a great dinner of Popovers. I was in a very good mood, with all the attention I got from people in school and even from the news, and how I still managed to live kinda normal despite being a 1 foot tall rodent Pokemon.

But one thought I had lingering in my head was, could my band still exist? I could still sing, but Matt seemed way too small to play the drums, and Scott and Dan’s lack of fingers would make it very hard for them to play guitar and bass, respectively. I hoped that what my mom said was right and that my dream of becoming a famous musician wouldn’t die.

Later that night, as I went to bed, I was feeling happy, but also concerned about what the future held. What I didn’t know was that tomorrow problems would lie ahead.


#5

Chapter Four: Thunderstruck
The next morning was very similar to the last one. I had got used to my new Pikachu body, and managed to do my morning routine quite a bit faster. Most of the school day was pretty ordinary too, people were getting used to the idea of having Pokemon in their classes, though I did get some squeeing once again.

However, a few notable things did occur that day.

First, I learned that I while I was lucky to get a good Pokemon, others weren’t so lucky. During lunch, my friends told me about one poor kid named Don, who got turned into a Muk, and stank up everywhere he went so bad that he was not only removed from school but had to be quarantined, unable to leave his room. They also told me about one person who was in chorus class, who became a Jigglypuff, and had to quit because she couldn’t sing without making everyone fall asleep. She seemed pretty broken up about that. Hearing stories like this were very eye-opening for me, and showed I was lucky to get a more “easy” body.

The second thing was a much more unpleasant experience. On the way back from lunch I was going to my next class, Italian, when suddenly a group of two edgy kids walked up to me, all decked out with piercings and such.

“Well well well, if it isn’t the little Pikachu.” The one on the left said in the most generic “tough guy” voice ever.

“What do you want?” I said, growling. If this was an anime a vein mark would have appeared on the side of my face.

"I’ve heard that you and your brothers are trying to start a band, and become “famous”. The one on the right responded. “Seriously, who do you think you are? Do you seriously think that a group of tiny rodents would be able to sing and play instruments? Besides, you don’t even have any talent”. All the things he said just made me angrier.

“I’ll have you know” I snarled, “That I have more talent in my two cheeks than you two have combined”. Okay probably getting a bit too egotistical there.

“Are you sure about that?” The one on the left replied. “I’ve heard your music. Your voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard and i’ve heard better keyboard playing from when I dropped my cat on the piano.” “And your puny bandmates aren’t much better. The drummer in particular sounds like my six year old brother banging pots and pans”. Taste is taste and all, but I was really getting ticked off by that point. However what they said next pushed me over the edge.

“And besides, even if you did have talent, you can’t do it now. Unless i’m wildly mistaken and your guitarist can play guitar with no fingers, your bassist can play bass with… no fingers, and your drummer can even manage to hold the drumsticks.” “Face it, you’re a dead end. Reality is going to catch up with you soon. In five years, you’re probably just going to be standing in the streets, handing out flyers for whatever project Apple or Samsung wants to sell now. Think about it, a advertising Pikachu! They’re gonna love-” Every line they said felt like a hammer driving a nail in my skull, but that really did it, and I snapped.

"Shut up! “You’re wrong! Every single thing you said is wrong!” “If anyone’s gonna end up as a failure, it’s YOU!”. I screamed. I was incensed. Then, something happened that I couldn’t believe.

Suddenly, blinding flashes of yellow light started streaking off of my body. They took on a shape similar to lightning bolts, and hit the two bullies in the stomach, with such force that they were knocked against the wall.

I stood there in stunned silence for a while, with only the sound of my deep breaths. How did I do that? Were they going to be okay? I knew they were jerks, but I didn’t want them to be hurt. But then it clicked to me… I just thundershocked them! I was surprised by this, I didn’t know that the transformation came with abilities. This is cool! “Does this mean I have other abilities as well?” I wondered. But then something else hit me. Am I gonna get in trouble? Will I be suspended? Expelled? I know schools these days don’t really take kindly to this kind of stuff.

And then, right on cue, a teacher walked up to the scene. “Crap” I muttered.

“Alright, whoever did this, speak up” She said coldly. And there we go, i’m doomed. But I couldn’t lie to her and say that it wasn’t my fault. So I decided to speak up.

“Ummm… It was… me.” I stated timidly. “These two kids walked up to me and…” However, while stating that sentence, something welled up inside of me. I don’t know if it was guilt, or anger turning to sadness, like it sometimes does, or fear. But either way, I began to cry, tears running down my red cheeks. “I didn’t mean to do it, I swear!” I said between sobs. I tried to regain my composure, and calmed down enough to explain the situation. “These t-two kids walked up to me, and… s-started saying r-really mean things to me, they said that…I was going to be a f-failure, and I don’t know w-what happened next but they got hit w-with lightning bolts…” However the teacher interrupted me.

“It’s okay.” she said. “I know you must be still adjusting to your new body.”

My ears perked up at that. “How did you know?” I stated. I had calmed down somewhat.

“Because i’ve seen this happen with other humans-turned-Pokemon. One Lucario kid accidentally used an Aura Sphere and put a big hole in the gym wall.” She explained. “It’s okay, you’re not going to get in trouble.” She reached down and patted my head. I was starting to get really sick of everyone treating me like an animal, even though I well… kinda was. I didn’t say anything though.

We went down to the principal’s office, where we sorted out the situation with him. The kids who I thundershocked were dazed, but not seriously injured. As a result, I didn’t get in serious trouble, but I still got detention. Frankly, I deserved it.

When I got home I didn’t even bother to talk about it with them, I just went upstairs and lay down on my bed, thinking about what had transpired.

Up until today things were going pretty okay with my Pikachu body, but now I was having second thoughts. This time I was lucky that I didn’t harm the kids, but what if this happens again? What if that time they get seriously hurt, or even killed? Can I learn how to control my powers before it happens again?

These thoughts drifted around my head, until I fell into an unpleasant sleep.


#6

Chapter Five: Thunderbolt And Lightning, Very Very Frightening
I was soon woken up from my uncomfortable sleep by the voice of my father.

“Tom? Wake up!” he called.

I slowly opened my eyes, and saw my dad sitting on the bed, right near me.

“Leave me alone.” I muttered. “I don’t want to talk about it.” I heard my dad sigh, before ignoring my wishes and talking about it.

“Listen. I know you’re upset about what happened today, but don’t worry. I’m not mad at you. I know that you’re still not entirely used to your new body, and I can respect that.” He then started petting my head. But upon his touch, I recoiled. “Stop!” I screamed out, possibly a bit too loud. Dad’s hand jerked back, obviously startled.

“I’m sorry”. I replied. “I’m just…really getting sick of everybody treating me like some kind of animal. I mean, I kinda am, but… I’m still a human on the inside, and I don’t like how people treat me like a pet.”

“I understand…” he said, followed by a sigh. “If you want to come downstairs i’m going to be making dinner.” He said. Then, he walked out of the room, leaving me alone.

As I continued to lie down on the bed, I started to feel better about my situation. I mean, after all, I didn’t hurt the bullies, so I wasn’t in any serious trouble.

However, I still had doubt. If I was unable to control my electric abilities, this could definitely happen again, and be much worse. Or what if I accidentally discharge when taking a shower or something? Electricity and water don’t mix.

The answer hit me like a semi-truck. I could try to train by abilities! If I could just get them to work, there was no need for me to be afraid of this happening again.

I decided to do this outside, I didn’t want to risk messing up my room. I hopped out of bed, went down the stairs, and went out into the backyard.

Once outside, I tried to focus on using my powers.

Okay, Tom. You can do this. I mean, Ash’s Pikachu made it look so easy in the anime! I thought. But how do I use the moves?

First, I thought that maybe I had to push it out (Looking back, maybe not the best idea.). No matter how I tried to push, however, no static came out (and thankfully nothing else did, either.) After that failed, I tried a new idea. Maybe my abilities are triggered by thoughts? I figured it was worth a shot at the very least.

Okay, Tom. Think of thunder. Thunder, thunder, lighntning and a… (I’m so sorry)

My train of thought was interrupted when I heard the sound of electrical buzzing. I opened my eyes, and saw myself surrounded by a yellow light! “Woah…” i muttered. Afterwards, bolts of light started streaking out, upwards towards the sky.

I couldn’t believe it! I had figured out how to do thundershock!

Unfortunately, things turned south when one of the bolts of light hit the trampoline we had in the backyard, leaving it burning in the middle. My ears drooped. “Oops”.

My dad ran outside and quickly doused the fire. Thankfully, he was not mad (“None of you even used it anymore” he reasoned).

But despite the slight embarrasment, I was happy. I had learned how to use Pikachu moves! Of course, i’m didn’t think there would be much i’d need to use them for, but at least I could control them now, and hey, releasing bolts of electricity from your body is pretty cool.

Feeling much happier now that I knew how to control my abilities, I went back inside. My dad had prepared pasta for dinner, and I ate it heartily, though sometimes my fork would slip from my tiny fingers.

I then went on the computer, and signed in to my normal chatrooms. However, what was being discussed was quite troubling.

XxMisty_Best_GirlXx: Have any of you heard the news?

XxMisty_Best_GirlXx: Apparently, a virus has been spreading throughout New York, it’s turning people into Pokemon!

Frosty-Chocolate-Milkshakes: No way!

XxSMisty_Best_GirlXx: Yes way!

Wait a second…virus spreading throughout New York? Oh no. Oh nononono.

This is not good.

Feedback welcomed.


#7
Chapter 1
Overall

Overall the first chapter read well. There were few mistakes, and it seems relatively intriguing. Although, not much is mentioned about the main character, other than their predicament, they do have an almost loud personality. Their opinions seem clear which is important for a character going through the state they are. So overall the text is doing well.

Plot wise

Plot wise, there is certainly some mystery to what is going on. It is an obscure stance. There is a nice background and certainly areas for the plot to unfold in later chapters. It seems to be developing well. I do have one gripe about it, which is more a content gripe than a plot gripe. The alarm clock cliché. It is really abrupt and disrupts the flow of reading. However, all in all the plot seems to be coming along and hopefully will develop well in later chapters.

Grammar and Logic

In regards to logic, the story seems fine. There are no major plot holes as of yet, and nothing seems out of place or illogical. However, I did notice some grammar mistakes. One mistake that did keep cropping up was the over-usage of conjunctives at the start of a sentence. This disrupts the flow of reading, and should only really be done to make an impact. The other mistake that came up more than once was the ordering of subjects. “I” always is last when listing subjects: “my mother and I” for example. The mistakes can be seen below:
• Conjunctives should seldom be used at the start of sentences (and, but etc.).
• “me and my brothers” -> my brothers and I
• “Anywho” -> anyhow. Anywho is not a word.
• “In my towns water” -> town’s (since it is possessive).
• “And me and my two brothers” -> my two brothers and I.
• The words in the brackets still formulate as part of the sentence and do not need capitals. In regards to the exclamation mark, it shouldn’t be there since it causes the sentence (, if the brackets are read,) to be incorrect.
• Numbers under one-hundred (unless a measurement) should be written out.
• Embarrasing -> Embarrassing.

Chapter 2
Overall

Overall the chapter read reasonably well. Although, the grammar did cause some disruptions to reading, the majority of the text was enjoyable. The character is starting to develop well, and their personality is starting to leak through more and more. It was a well written chapter.

Plot wise

Plot wise, there was some well-paced developments in this chapter. The character’s reactions are sound, and there is still a relatively powerful mystery in play. It works rather well and is nice to read.

Grammar and Logic

Unfortunately, I did find quite a lot of grammar mistakes in this chapter. Mainly surrounding speech. Such as the double speech marks, and incorrect punctuation. Despite this, the story logic still seems sound and functions well, so has few or no faults in that respect.
• “his was it” -> This was it?
• “in my new life” -> with my new life.
• Over use of capital sentences. Since an exclamation mark and ‘yelled’ is used, these capitals are not required. They disrupt the flow of the text.
• “Kinda” is not a word, you could use ‘Kind of’.
• Recieving -> receiving
• “keep it down” requires a comma after down.
• prepare.” “Here -> prepare. Here
• Conjunctives should seldom be used at the start of sentences
• condition.” “hold -> condition. Hold (Basically, with speech, it is continued. There is no interactions between his ending of the last sentence and the start of the new one. Therefore it can stay within the same speech marks.)
• i’m -> I’m
• hard.” -> hard,”
• size.” -> size,”
• i’ve -> I’ve
• invoulentarily -> involuntarily.
• Marathoned is not a word. Therefore I suggest phrasing it “, in ‘celebration’ of the recent events, had a listening marathon”
• Sentences in brackets still act within the same sentence and must participate within that sentence, rather than acting as a stand-alone.
• Satisfield -> Satisfied.

Chapter 3
Overall

Overall, the text read relatively well, save the grammar notes. It is definitely interesting to see how the main character (who I don’t think has been named yet), will cope in later situations. Particularly as the people are starting to replicate Pokémon behaviour, as seen by his or her random Pikachu outburst.

Plot wise

Plot wise, the story follows on well from the last chapter. The last line appears strong in this chapter, which has a nice effect. There are no plot holes so far. The plot seems to be developing at a relatively reasonable pace, which is helping the story’s generic pacing.

Grammar and Logic

In regards to logic, as I mentioned previously, there are no plot holes so far. Story logic, everything seems to make sense and work within the current realm. In relation to grammar, I did notice that you do have a habit of replicating written-word. You can only do speech patterns in text if it is within a speech mark. Elsewise it can come across as clunky, also regional accents and slang can cause re-reading.
• This one is more of a nit-pick, but double use of house in the first sentence.
• Y’know -> you know. Since it isn’t in speech you can’t use slang or appreciated speech.
• Kinda -> Kind of (same reason as above).
• However -> However,
• Conjunctives should seldom be used at the start of sentences.
• i’m -> I’m. All formulations of I start with a capital letter (, such as: I’m, I’ve, I’ll,) because it is effectively merging of two words. I am -> I’m etc.
• info.” “Now -> info. Now (since there is no interactions between each line in speech, it remains as part of the same speech marks.)
• second day.” -> second day,” (since the speech has an interaction afterwards.)
• i’ve -> I’ve
• last question.” -> last question,
• Cartoonisly -> Cartoonish
• to me.” -> “to me,” (since the speech has an interaction afterwards.)
• Rather than using capital letter words, using italics has a better effect.

Chapter 4
Overall

Overall, this chapter has been the most enjoyable so far. The flow was much better this time around. The characters are continuing to develop well, and the plot has taken a major step forward. Therefore, the chapter seems to be continuing to build the world nicely.

Plot wise

Plot wise there is a darker set of progressions occurring. As a massive fan of dystopian fiction, I find this to be done rather well. There isn’t a sudden black cloud, but it has crept in slowly. Furthermore, the progressions of the mutations seem interesting, since there isn’t an apparent correlation between conversions. Such as the Muk, and the Pikachu, and the Jigglypuff. Is there an underlying factor making these people turn into a certain Pokémon?

Grammar and Logic

In regards to grammar, there is a repeating error so far in all the Chapters, which is the use of I, and its contractions. Furthermore, double speech marks have been found repeatedly. For the most part, the story logic seemed to function fine in this chapter. Although, I do have one logic gripe, as seen in the list below.
• Squeeing -> squeezing
• Well well well -> well, well, well. (Double words need commas [had, had, for example].)
• Little Pikachu.” -> little Pikachu,”
• I’ve heard… (This set of speech marks doesn’t have a closure.)
• You know” -> you know,
• i’ve -> I’ve
• piano.” “And -> piano, and. - Kills too birds with one stone. Loses the conjunctive at the start of the sentence, and removes the double speech mark (which I have explained in the reviews of the chapters above.)
• bandmates -> band-mates
• However -> However,
• Conjunctives should seldom be used at the start of sentences.
• Capital letter words can be swapped for italics.
• !”. Doesn’t require the ‘.’.
• ‘I was incensed’. I don’t think incensed is the right word here. Enraged maybe?
• Logic: Electrocuting someone that close with that much force would leave burns, and possibly flash blindness.
• Gonna -> going to.
• “Crap” -> “Crap,”
• i’m -> I’m.
• okay.” -> okay,”

Chapter 5
Overall

Overall, the story and its characters are continuing to develop in a reasonable fashion. We finally found out the main character’s name (, which has been a mystery up to this point). Also, the main character seems to be expanding their exposed personality, which is also good.

Plot wise

Plot wise, there are more developments, which is nice. The pacing seems consistent with previous chapters and the character is definitely starting to be dragged in to the plot more so. It is good that there is a clear direction, and that it is being followed through.

Grammar and Logic

Logic wise, this chapter is working well in the universe it has been created in. I do have a list of a few grammar mistakes I have noticed throughout the text. Mostly, these mistakes are the same as in the previous chapters.
• Me alone.” -> me alone,”
• I’m sorry”. -> I’m sorry,”
• i’m -> I’m
• making dinner.” -> making dinner,”
• ‘by abilities’. I am not sure if you meant ‘my abilities’ or not.
• Brackets work inside a sentence, as does the contents. Therefore capitals inside a bracket should only occur if it’s a new sentence.
• Lighntning -> lightning.
• i muttered -> I muttered.
• Embarrasment -> Embarrassment.
• i’d -> I’d
• chatrooms -> chat-rooms.
• Oh nononono -> Oh no, no, no, no.


#8

Chapter 6:
Back In The Saddle

This was not good.

I had just found out that the “PokeVirus”, which had changed me, my brothers, and many people in school, into Pokemon, had spread beyond the school.

Upon hearing the news in the chatroom, my first thought was that I had to find more info about it.

I quickly went to CNN, or at least, I tried to, as my small fingers didn’t hit all the keys right and I accidentally went to a phishing “survey” website. Thankfully, the second time went better. And sure enough, splashed across the front page was the headline:

“PEOPLE ARE TURNING INTO REAL LIFE POKEMON, AND NO, THIS ISN’T CLICKBAIT”. (gee thanks for letting me know). I clicked on the article, and the text read:

A virus has been spotted in water supplies around New York State, which is turning people into Pokemon. Yes, Pokemon. The colorful Nintendo monsters have entered the real world, and humans are becoming them.

How is this unthinkable situation happening? We asked one of New York’s top scientists, John S.C Moe, for answers.

“It seems that a while ago there was an accident at a laboratory in the town of Eastridge. A group of scientists have worked on a project called the “Fantasy Realizer Device”. It can bring stuff from fiction into the real world. I don’t know how but it can. Anyway there was an accident, which released Pokemon D.N.A into the air, which got into the water supply”. Mo explained.

The virus was first only spotted in the small town of Eastridge. However, despite the best efforts to contain it, it has spread across New York, being spotted in everywhere from Utica, to Albany, to New York City. However, it has not spread outside of it, though there are unsubstatiated rumors of it being spotted in Florida.

As of press time, a cure for this does not exist, but the latest report is that is is in development.

This was not the news that I wanted to read.

While I was pretty well off in regards to my Pokemon form, others weren’t so lucky, and I didn’t want many people to have to struggle with a bad Pokemon form. And not only that, but how much would the virus spread? Would it eventually go all across the country? All across the world? Would humanity become extinct? Would we all live in a Pokemon world?

Then, I saw an extra note at the bottom of the article.

A group of people have started a charity fund, entitled Pokemon Go…away, dedicated to raising money to help find a cure for this disease. Donations will be accepted at PGA.com (Definitely not to be confused with the PGA golf tournament).

A charity fund, huh? If it wasn’t a scam, I hoped that I would be able to contribute. I could probably donate some money of my own, but I also wanted to raise money to donate.

But how could I do that? I wondered. Tag Sale? Nah, we already cleaned out our old toys and stuff. Lemonade stand? I mean, that could be a possibility. But as soon as I started thinking about how to best make lemonade at 1 foot tall, the answer hit me like a thunderbolt (get it? I’m so funny, hey wait why aren’t y’all laughing) from the sky.

I could stage a benefit concert! I could book an outdoor show in the park, and we could play and the money would be donated to the charity! It would be great!..

Or would it?

I was reminded that I was a Pikachu, and my bandmates consisted of a Raichu, Pichu, and Marill. I mean, I could still be able to sing, even though my voice sounded somewhat embarrassing, but how would I be able to play keyboard with my stubby paws? How would Scott play guitar without any fingers? How would Matt play the drums if the sticks are bigger than he is? How can Dan play bass without any fingers?

But then, I thought back to what my mom had said earlier. That just because I was a different species didn’t mean that I should abandon my dreams. I figured that she had a good point, and decided that it was worth a shot to try to find solutions. Of course, we might have all had significant handicaps, but I was sure that we would be able to work around it. Besides, even if it sounded like crap, it would definitely be in the news for a long time.

And while the concert might be for raising money, for me it wasn’t just about the money. It was also a test, to see if my mom was right, to see if the kids who bullied me were wrong, to see if a Pikachu really could rock.

As I was thinking about this, I saw Scott and Matt entering the house. Both of them stayed after school. I heard them chatting to themselves.

“I hate how people think that just because i’m an animal I like being petted! It’s not like that at all! And haven’t people got the hint that I don’t need to be picked up to walk in the hallways?” I heard Matt say. I walked up to the two mouse Pokemon.

“I have an amazing idea. Did you hear the news that the Pokemon virus is spreading?” I asked excitedly. They nodded.

“Well, I figured that maybe to help raise money for finding a cure, we could stage a benefit concert!” Their ears perked up at that. Even though we had been animals for some time I still chucked at that.“A benefit concert?” Scott asked. “But how can we do that if we’re Pokemon?”

“Trust me, we can find a way” I replied. “Remember that time when we managed to play a concert with no electricity? Or when I gave an incredible performance despite having laryngitis? Or when you gave that ripping guitar solo when all the strings broke? We still managed to pull off great performances despite those, so we can work around this!”

“Well, “great” might be a bit of an overstatement” Scott responded, “But you know what? I think you have a point. The novelty of Pokemon playing music alone would probably raise a few thousand bucks. I think i’m gonna call up Dan, and see what he thinks.”

“Eh…i’m still not sure…” Matt started, but then I interrupted.

“If you don’t participate in the concert i’m gonna tell your friends to carry you around everywhere.” A look of horror appeared on the Pichu’s face.

“We’re getting the band back together!” he yelled out.

Soon afterwards, Scott came back in and informed that Dan said yes, as well. Things were all falling into place for a comeback (but don’t call it a comeback).


#9
Overall

Overall this chapter showed the story progressing towards a high for the main character (undoubtedly to be followed by a fall). The characters continue to show promise, despite this chapter being short and hopefully the characters will continue to find difficulties in being Pokemon.

Plot

Plot wise, the story has taken a slightly lighter twist compared to the previous chapters (in which the main character electrocuted someone). Although, this could be slightly untimely, in this context this break is needed in order to help manage the story’s speed.

Grammar and Logic

• “which had changed me, my brothers…” – in these sentences me becomes I, my brothers and I
• “gee thanks for…” -> Gee
• You have over-short sentences in some places which would serve better as a longer one.
• Conjunctives should seldom be used at the start of sentences


#10

Chapter Seven: Getting In Tune
The rest of the week at school wasn’t so hot.

There was some bright spots. People had finally accepted my new form, and there wasn’t any more squeeing or petting. Though that did mean I would get less attention, I personally preferred little attention over embarrassing attention. I managed to do all the work in my classes fine, as well.

I had also managed, by this point, to successfully control my thundershock attacks. Doing them was nearly natural for me, all I had to do was just try to focus my mind on it. I was very happy that I was able to do this, it helped erase a lot of the fear from my mind that a repeat of what had happened a few days before would happen again.

However, word had spread about the thundershocking incident. Someone had filmed the incident, and uploaded it to Youtube under the name “PIKACHU KID USES THUNDERSHOCK (REAL) (NOT FAKE)”. Though the school took the original video down, people had already snatched it themselves, and it circulated throughout the web. The effects of this I definitely felt, and not in a good way. I noticed that many people had become somewhat afraid of me. Sometimes, when I would walk down the halls, or try to strike up a conversation with somebody that wasn’t a friend, people would walk away from me, seemingly afraid that i’d thundershock them too. A few particularly mean kids even insulted me over it, calling me a “monster”. The behavior people exhibited towards me over this depressed me. It was merely an accident. I hoped that it could blow over soon.

Back on the lighter side of things, did have something to look forwards too. I had successfully booked a benefit concert, to be held outdoors in a nearby park. All proceeds from it would go to the charity fund for “Pokeitis”. This was the chance I had been waiting for, the chance for me to prove if my dreams could still come true. On the next Saturday, me, Scott, Matt, and Dan headed towards my garage, to rehearse for this occasion.

Rehearsals started rocky. All four of us had issues to deal with and fix.

Matt’s small size made him unable to even reach his head beyond the drum hit, let alone play it. Whenever he tried to pick up the drum sticks they would be too heavy.

Both Dan and Scott struggled to figure out how to play their instruments, bass and guitar respectively, without fingers. It was very hard to grip the picks with this. As well, their size was another hurdle. Sometimes when they tried to wear the instruments around their shoulders, they’d fall down because it was too heavy for them.

And as for me, my issues were similar. My fingers were very tiny, and thus it was hard for me to press the right keys on the keyboard. As well, my voice sounded quite a bit higher, while this did allow me to hit higher notes easier than ever, it sounded pretty ridiculous at times.

These problems would plague our early rehearsals, which didn’t go very well at all. We struggled through song after song, missing more notes than a kid rushing through his reading annotations (okay that was a bit of a clumsy analogy but I hope you get my point?) We sounded just as bad as the bullies had said earlier, and I was reminded of their harsh comments.

By this point I was getting really worried. Did this mean that my dreams of being a musician were over? Would we have to shill Apple products, like the bullies said to me earlier? I started to get discouraged, and worried that what they said would be right.

But I wasn’t ready to give up yet. The performances may have started out poorly, but we could improve. There had to be solutions! We just hadn’t thought of them yet.

In fact, the solutions were hiding right in front of our faces, and we just didn’t think about them.

When Matt was struggling through a particularly tricky drum part, he accidentally hit his drumstick at an angle that resulted in it snapping in two. I first thought that we’d have to get a replacement, but as it turned out, the lightened weight caused by that actually helped. He was able to play the drums much easier using that one. Realizing that it could help out, we managed to snap his other stick in two. Now with a much lighter load, he was able to drum almost as well as before. The height problem was also fixed, as we managed to find a different stool, with a tall extension, allowing Matt to be able to see the drums.

Dan and Scott ditched the picks, playing the guitar and bass with their own bare hands. After practicing for an hour or so, they finally managed to work out playing with their paws. They also decided to stop wearing their instruments around their shoulders, instead holding them. With those two changes made, they were ready to play well.

And finally, though playing keyboard with my small paws was hard at first, I eventually managed to get used to it, and was able to play as well as I ever could. The voice problem couldn’t be fixed, of course, but we decided to fill the set with songs mainly in the upper registers, that would allow the problem to become less apparent.

We were ready to rock and roll.


#11

Hey, so I apologize for not looking through this sooner just been busy with several stuff including my own works. So yeah, will put my general thoughts here real quick!

While reading I’m reminded of the narrator from your Aura Stone story who also has this quirkiness way of narration. While I don’t mind it too much, do keep in mind to have your narrators in this story and Aura Stone to have distinict personalities.

With that out of the way, the plot here seems simple enough. For this story the plot seems to center around Tom getting used to his new life as a Pikachu. Since this is the sequel to your other story that I haven’t read yet I’m missing some context as to what his first reactions were when he and his siblings first turned into Pokemon. At least here you have instances of Tom adjusting like him hurting the kids with his thunder attack and able to learn how to play his instruments now.

One thing I would’ve liked is more characterization on Tom’s brothers. Not sure how much of a role they had in the first story, but so far I don’t have much on an idea of their personalities that well. Maybe a couple scenes where Tom hangs out with them or a few chapters in their POV. The last chapter would have been a great opprtunity for the band group to banter and get some dialogue going actually.

One last comment before I go, did you just name the charity after the mobile Pokemon Go game? Haha.